Not sure

February? I haven't posted since February? Obviously posting hasn't been on the top of my priority list and right now I'm trying to decide how worth it frequent posting is.

What is my motivation for blogging? Pretending I'm important, thinking people care about my tiny little world? I know the people directly in my life care, but out there in cyber world where there are millions of blogs? Not sure if this is the time in my life to spend hours revamping the look (I can't afford a designer at this time and none of the free templates work for me) or trying to think of something interesting and relevant to say.

Honestly, I'm in a very vulnerable and protective place. Don't want to draw attention to myself or my family given all the trials we are trying to survive.

Maybe when I do get a published book and a readership I'll reconsider a re-launch of the blog.

Right now I need to focus my time on my family, my guard and my book.

Big Honkin' Learning Curve

You think things should get easier as life goes on b/c you've "been there done that".

Yeah. Right.

I'm finding the curve in my learning curve has deepened and steepened to pitches unheard of. Around every corner I'm finding life is surprising me in some horrifying and interesting ways.

Right now I'm learning how to be strong. My friend and colleague, Todd Carrasco (Columbine HS drumline and Malachi Independent Winter Guard) is chanting Kia Kaha to me. It means "be strong" in some tribal language from New Zeland - I'm going to have to find out for sure on that one.

I'm at a crossroads where giving up and walking away would be the easy and even understandable thing to do. I'm learning success isn't about scores and placements. I'm learning how I handle crisis and situations that call for full blown freaking out will shape how my young padawan learners (AKA guard students) deal with crisis later in life.

I'm learning to think on my feet w/o panicking.

I'm learning to breathe deep and pray, trusting God will work things out - especially b/c He put me in this very place knowing all this very stuff would happen. That means I need to stick and be strong.

I'm learning I love my students fiercely and will fight for them as if they were my own kids. I refuse to let bad decisions made by some take away the very thing they are striving so hard to achieve.

I'm learning foundations go deeper than basic skills. Building trust, developing parental support, involvement and excitement are more valuable than a medal and need to come before the basic skills can be built and achieved. Especially when building a new program.

I'm learning my colleagues are there for me and we are a team. Even folks who direct other units are coming alongside of me in support. They see the potential in my students and the program and want to invest and help us out. Sure, we may compete against each other on the floor, but working together and supporting each other puts a whole new spin and fun in competition. It really does redefine success.

I'm learning tenacity and responsibility are not dead in today's teens. Today's teens have heart, grit and a maturity that is aching to be expressed. They are yearning for a cause or purpose to get behind and fight for. Contrary to a lot of eduspeak/psychobabble, there are kids today willing to sacrifice for a cause. I'm talking about kids being raised in an entitlement culture! These kids are seeing through the emptiness and are shucking it off, begging to shuck it off and learn self-discipline. Wow.

But it takes time, pain and perseverance to find those kids.

Yeah, life in my litterbox kinda hurts right now as I'm scrambling to Make Things Work in a few hours. But I'm seeing great joy in how my team is pulling together to overcome. Regardless of scores and placements.

Go Rebels!

For all the teachers, band directors and coaches out there

Being a teacher/coach/mentor is hard these days. I don't know about you, but sometimes when things are not going as I hoped, I wonder why the heck I do what I do. I'm getting too old to mash my hands with a saber blade!

But then things like this happen. Today I received a message on Facebook from a former student when I taught special education full time at Sheridan High School. I remember this student well. He was not easy or even pleasant to have in class, refusing to participate and gladly turned in blank exams and homework assignments. He'd disrupt my class every few minutes with James Bond trivia. I tried to hook him into learning by having him write Bond scripts for me pertaining to health. I think it was the writerly connection that kept me from totally losing it with him.

Yesterday I got a message.

Here's a piece from the letter:

As for school, I kind of regret not focusing in your classes in 9th grade especially health class. Perhaps I found it difficult to do or just wasn't used to asking for help and that's why I ended up quiting. But I learned over these years that if you didn't keep going or if you didn't ask for help and just quit, you miss out on a lot of opportunities especially in life. I have now vowed and dedicated myself to be more open and willing to work even if it is a challenge. My philosophy I think is "Don't think about how difficult it is, just get it done" and after you get it done, you feel like you have made a huge difference instead of doing nothing and sitting there thinking that it is no big deal whether you get it done or not.

Anyway, I'll talk to you later.

This student was a freshman in my health class at least six years ago. SIX YEARS.

I consider my years of full-time teaching my "dark years". The four years of my life I proved to myself that I am a total and utter failure in the classroom. After I left teaching, I sunk into a depression believing I failed. I believed I wasted years and years of my life pursuing a teaching career that was no longer.

Two and a half years ago I had this experience w/ a former student and band kid: Redeeming the Past. This still grips me. It was dramatic and profound. Take a moment to read it.

A short note from a former guard kid who ditched most of my rehearsals and appeared to hate my guts says this as she graduated over a year ago:

To the love of my guard life, I might have been a pain in your butt, but I'm glad I did guard this year and got to personally know you. Your [sic] wounderful [sic] and most of all you can put up w/ me!

What this last note revealed is that sometimes kids test us to see if we will put up with them over time. So many find adults get exasperated and walk out of their lives. Guard instructors get mad and quit. Adults walking out of their lives creates a void. A void that fills with pain. So, in the interest of self-protection they test the new adult, or in some cases they are new to the adult who's been there a while.

Kids who complained I pushed them too hard in guard come back and thank me for teaching them how to be pushed and push themselves.

Again, I'm talking years later.

That's what's so hard about teaching. It can take years IF you get to see some of the fruits of your labors.

I'm not posting this to toot my own horn, I'll leave that to the brass section. Rather I want to remind teachers and coaches why we do what we do. No matter how our season or semester progresses, we are impacting lives.

All the kids want from us is to show up and love them when they are feeling most unlovable. We may not feel like we're giving or achieving our educational/competitive goals, but in their eyes, we're sick.

It appears I'm dead, but I'm not.

September? Seriously?

I think I broke my own record for blog silence.

Can't count high enough to tell you how many times I've been asked, "Are you dead?"

No, I'm not dead. Felt like it at times, maybe wished I was, but I'm alive, kicking and coughing - thanks to the flu-y type things floating around.

Over the past few months I've been taking a break. Kinda reevaluating my life. What's important. What's not. Chasing ways to Make More Money and getting overwhelmed and discouraged.

Learning the definition of the words "simplify" and "focus".

I've come to the conclusion that I've been trying to do too much for all the wrong reasons. I've been struggling and fighting in my own strength the solve the How-will-we-feed-our-family-this-week problem. Taking on so much, I get NOTHING done.

Did you know it's possible to do so much you accomplish NOTHING?

Here's what I've learned.

• I'm not the Avon queen - being as disorganized as I am, I can barely handle my own customers on top of being in leadership. I think I need to pass my downline to someone more organized and less scattered and keep my current customers happy
• My novel may take a loooooooooooooong time to sell. Kinda knew that, but reality is hitting. It's time to let the process work and start something fresh and new
• 9 years of teaching guard doesn't mean I got it all down. I'm in a new school, with new kids and feel like I've never done this before. My students are stretching me, challenging me to grow and evolve
• I'm a mom. 3.5 year old boys need their mommies and love it when said mommies disengage from the computer
• Laundry doesn't do itself
• Spreading myself thin makes me holey. When I try to manage a dozen unrelated projects by spreading myself like a small pie crust in a huge pan, parts of me break and gaping holes open up and nothing turns out well
• Litterboxes don't clean themselves
• I've been waiting on Big Things to Happen rather than waiting on the Lord.
• Small boys can flood bathrooms when left to themselves for more than 45 seconds
• Friends are worth more than money
• People do care about me
• God won't let me or my family starve - he'll send people along with groceries or I'll get a call from a friend who found a great deal on potatoes and she bought more than she could use and wants to know if I need some
• Less is more
• I'm not stupid
• I have a destiny (don't know what it is yet)
• This too shall pass

I'm going through some really hard stuff and eventually my energy will return. Getting stronger hurts, but it happens. So, keep on checking back. I'll keep you updated and hopefully will blog more when I feel better.

Does your group need to raise money?

Fundraising is hard. Most of the time it's not much fun.

When I was in school, my mom made me wear my color guard uniform and go door to door in the neighborhood selling wrapping paper or cartons of citrus fruit. In the snow.

Going door to door is kinda scary these days, limiting those school fundraisers to nearby friends and family. And most programs only offer customers over-priced products grossing the organization only 15-20% of the profit.

Most of you know I've been an Avon representative for about nine months now. It's a way, in addition to my writing, to help put food on the table and take care of my family's needs.

What's in it for you?

I'm making you aware of an opportunity to help whatever group(s) you and your kids are involved in raise money.

Avon has a great fundraising arm. An ONLINE fundraising arm. Yup. You read me right. I can create an online event for your group offering all of Avon's deal-priced products to your group's supporters. Church groups, scouts, band/music programs, non-profits... groups with that tax exempt status can raise money through Avon.

What we do is register your group, assigns a special promo code unique to your group. Your group leaders and members do a publicity blitz. Customers go online to my website and order Avon products using that unique code. All of the order and profit activity is tracked and reports are emailed to organizers.

Customers order and pay online. Products are shipped to their door. No little kids banging on doors, collecting pocketfulls of money or juggling armloads of product (unless you really want to do it that way.)

Non-profit organizations earn up to 30% of their sales. Try to beat that with butter braids (15% -20% earnings) or entertainment books. And you get the creative, enthusiastic support of me!